Once upon a time, there was a little girl. She didn't ask to be born, but one day there she was. Her parents were mostly good people: they worked hard, and they were poor, but they always managed to feed her and her younger brother. They wanted their children to have better opportunities in life and sacrificed much to educate, clothe, and feed them.
The parents were often exhausted and busy working to support their family that neither mom or dad noticed the children were neglected in one important way: in care and love. To adults, it is obvious that mom and dad did love and care for them; we can see it in how hard they were working. But to the children, it was not clear. Children need to be held and told they are loved to know it. The family was Korean, and in Korean culture it is uncommon to speak words of emotion; it is uncommon to simply hug each other.
The girl was sometimes acknowledged for her smarts, but even then it was fleeting. When she received a 98 on an exam, her mother would ask why she didn't get 100. The girl remembered being ecstatic about her score, racing home to show her mother what a good job she did, especially when her classmates barely got above the 70s. Then, when those words came out of her mother's mouth: "Why didn't you get 100?", her balloon of pride and hope deflated. All she wanted was praise from her mother that she did well. What she received instead was, "Why aren't you good enough? I won't praise you for imperfection."
The girl grew up sad and lonely. She withdrew into herself, didn't try to make friends at school, and instead went straight home after school and ate too much food while parked in front of the TV. Of course, she gained weight. This weight gain was an embarrassment to her parents but especially her mother. Here was another way the girl was imperfect and not good enough.
The only praise the girl received, rarely, was praise for her smarts. As a child, she didn't know why she was so sad all the time. She didn't know constant sadness wasn't normal. The things that other people told her became her reality. Words taunting her about her fatness became who she was -- the fat girl. Not the smart girl, or the loved girl, or the capable girl. She was, in her mind, only fat and not good for much else. After all, she didn't get words of love or encouragement from anywhere else.
Her inner strength was non-existent. The girl grew up and became a hurt teenager and eventually a hurt young adult. She carried the pain with her and it bled into all the places of her life. She so craved acceptance from anybody that she slept with many men to feel wanted and loved, even if it was only for a few moments. She told herself she did it because she was sex-positive.
In the moments when she was held tightly, the moments when she was told she was beautiful -- she lapped those moments up like a thirsty sponge. She couldn't get enough.
She was in one relationship after another, and as soon as she felt neglected, she would cheat on her boyfriend at the time with a new man. For excitement, for acceptance from someone new, for being wanted by someone new. She was addicted because she did not accept herself. And someone had to.
(to be continued)
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